Dear Prudence, You are Fired

I've just read the worst advice column, ever. To the editors of Slate Magazine, I suggest you offer me Prudence's job. Because she is a terrible, terrible advice-giver. If you like, you may hire me, or any other non-asshole person of your choosing. Because Prudence is an asshole.

A reader writes in with a pretty nuanced question:

Dear Prudence,
I have been married for almost a decade to my high-school sweetheart. A few years into my marriage, I had an affair with a colleague. My husband found out, and we decided to work things out and stay together. Then I found out I was pregnant. As hard as it was to know I was carrying another man's child, my husband stood by me, and he's been an amazing father. My question is, do we ever tell our son, now 3 years old, that my husband, his "daddy," isn't his biological father? His biological father has kindly always offered to do whatever I wanted in terms of what I tell my son. I worry constantly about my son growing older and learning of his paternity in some way. Are my husband and I better off with a lie of omission or telling a terrible truth?

Fascinating. First, kudos to all parties involved, because that is awesome. There is a way to make this situation good. But what does Prudence do? She basically says that you should lie to your kid, and hope the kid never finds out:

But as I imagine you one day having the "I have something to tell you" conversation with your son, I wonder what for. Sure, he would be finding out the truth, but it's such an undermining and unnecessary truth that I don't see the point.

WHAT? Excuse me, WHAT?! Dear lord, people. You think that you know what your kids need, but you don't. And you think that telling them some truth is going to undermine everything so much, when if it's never presented as a shameful thing from the very beginning, it doesn't matter. Do you know that my mother was married before she met my dad? I didn't. Until I was twenty-three. Isn't that stupid? Because they kept it a secret for so long and no one could figure out how or when to tell me. A STUPID THING THAT DOESN'T MATTER like someone having been married before (which, of course, to them is super shameful because blah blah blah divorce whatever). Do you know what sucks? Secrets. Do not lie to your kids.

Dear Reader:
You have an opportunity here. A great opportunity. Kids flourish the more loving, stable adults they have in their lives. Don't exclude your friend from your kid's life. Your son may end up benefiting in untold ways from having his biological father around--ways you can't even imagine. You don't know what could happen down the line. You and your husband could divorce. He could die. He could have a falling out with your son for whatever reason. You need to provide your son with all the love he can get. And he is already getting a ton from you, and from your husband. I suspect that his biological father will have some to give as well. This could provide some love security. And your son, like everyone else, needs back-up. Here's what you should do. Bring your friend around. Have him be involved. You can call him "Uncle" Steve or whatever. Tell Uncle Steve you want him to spend time with the kid. As your kid gets older, you can explain to him what's really going on. That parenthood isn't just about biology. I am sure your son will learn about these things, because he will have a friend who is adopted, or a friend who has a stepparent, or a friend with two mommies. And, depending on his development, when he is five or six or seven, you can can explain that there are different kinds of dads, and Dad is the person who has chosen to raise you and live with you and me. Uncle Steve is the person who is related to you by biology. We all love you and we will all be a part of your life.

This is not an undermining truth. This is a strengthening truth. Because your son already has another adult beyond his two parents, not to mention all the relatives, who love him deeply and will be looking out for his well-being. This is good for him. Don't lie to your kid. You don't need to explain everything right now. But don't lie.

Jesus, Prudence, you suck at giving advice.