Open Marriage
posted by Silvana
Oh my god, CNN has an article about open marriage. Guess what? It's terrible.
I really wish people would stop writing about marriage using their own experiences as universal truth. There is only one universal truth: communication and honesty are good. Everything else is up for grabs. For a good example of this principle, I refer you to the great Megan Carpentier.
Don't want an open marriage? Don't have one. And definitely don't write crap like this:
I think it's funny that Ms. Salmansohn fails to realize that there might be--gasp--women who want open marriages, too. There are two of them on this very blog. But that would get in the way of her judgy-mcjudgerstein take, which is "men want open relationships because they are 'self-indulgent' and 'reckless'".
So let me set the record straight a little, shall we? It's got nothing to do with being reckless. In fact, it's less reckless than the alternative, if you happen to have a real, occasional desire to have sex with someone else. Your options: try to repress the desire and hope you don't screw up, or cheat. Both suck. (Now, of course, I'm not talking about people who have desires that they never intend to or really want to act on. Those people are fine being monogamous and good for them).
The bottom line is, different things work for different people. There's nothing wrong with wanting an open relationship, and there's nothing wrong with wanting monogamy. What's wrong is assuming that your desires represent some kind of universal truth. Why do people do that? It's so obvious that there's a range of human behavior. For example, I have a mild-to-moderate desire to have sex with other people. It's not something that would be a requirement, that I have an open relationship. I would do just fine at monogamy. But I happen to like this better. I'm well aware that there are people who have both less desire than me to do those things, and much, much more. If I don't think there's something wrong with people who want monogamy, then how could there be something wrong with the people who not just prefer, but require non-monogamy?
It's like that old saying. If you've slept with n people, anyone who's slept with n+1 people is a slut. Everyone thinks their own personal boundaries form the outer limit of what's acceptable.
I guess I should have expected as much from a woman who compares men to dogs and think that women "soothe themselves with chocolate". But still. Honestly.
(Via Feministe).
I really wish people would stop writing about marriage using their own experiences as universal truth. There is only one universal truth: communication and honesty are good. Everything else is up for grabs. For a good example of this principle, I refer you to the great Megan Carpentier.
Don't want an open marriage? Don't have one. And definitely don't write crap like this:
In my opinion, open marriage is pretty much the opposite of marriage. It seems to be about avoiding commitment -- one of the cornerstones of a happy marriage.I don't know how you could possibly think that open marriage was about "avoiding commitment." After all, you're still getting married, sharing a house, having kids. It doesn't affect your commitment. It just affects your monogamy.
I think it's funny that Ms. Salmansohn fails to realize that there might be--gasp--women who want open marriages, too. There are two of them on this very blog. But that would get in the way of her judgy-mcjudgerstein take, which is "men want open relationships because they are 'self-indulgent' and 'reckless'".
So let me set the record straight a little, shall we? It's got nothing to do with being reckless. In fact, it's less reckless than the alternative, if you happen to have a real, occasional desire to have sex with someone else. Your options: try to repress the desire and hope you don't screw up, or cheat. Both suck. (Now, of course, I'm not talking about people who have desires that they never intend to or really want to act on. Those people are fine being monogamous and good for them).
The bottom line is, different things work for different people. There's nothing wrong with wanting an open relationship, and there's nothing wrong with wanting monogamy. What's wrong is assuming that your desires represent some kind of universal truth. Why do people do that? It's so obvious that there's a range of human behavior. For example, I have a mild-to-moderate desire to have sex with other people. It's not something that would be a requirement, that I have an open relationship. I would do just fine at monogamy. But I happen to like this better. I'm well aware that there are people who have both less desire than me to do those things, and much, much more. If I don't think there's something wrong with people who want monogamy, then how could there be something wrong with the people who not just prefer, but require non-monogamy?
It's like that old saying. If you've slept with n people, anyone who's slept with n+1 people is a slut. Everyone thinks their own personal boundaries form the outer limit of what's acceptable.
I guess I should have expected as much from a woman who compares men to dogs and think that women "soothe themselves with chocolate". But still. Honestly.
(Via Feministe).
Labels: m. leblanc
Posted at 2:02 AM
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