More on Men and Sex
posted by Silvana
Via Feministing comes a new PSA from Sex Really which is one of the worst PSAs for safe sex I've ever seen. (Note: video contains graphic language).
If you don't/can't watch the video, Feministing has a transcript at the post I linked above. The upshot is: men are assholes who don't respect you and say gross things when talking to their dude friends about sex, so practice safe sex. The video is a conversation between three guys who are making a variety of remarks about sex. Some are banal but explicit: "And I'm able to grab one titty as I'm doing it and I grab the other titty this way and I was very happy." Some are offensive and rape-y: "I know, if she's gonna wear a dress like that who's not gonna lift that shit up."
Jos at Feministing and Shelby at This is Misogyny have already covered the basic ground: this video is misogynist, offensive, and trafficks in tired and harmful stereotypes. But there's something I find more insidious about this video, and about the wider narrative of men talking about sex, that I want to address.
There's this notion that men discussing sex is disrespectful, period. If you've ever heard the phrase "kiss-and-tell," you know what I'm talking about. The principle is that boys and men aren't supposed to talk about their sex lives with their friends, because...I don't know? They aren't supposed to acknowledge that they have sex with their girlfriends/lovers/wives because then everyone will know that the woman is.. a slut? I really don't know what it is.
This video is choppy--not a narrative conversation--so it's clear that what the video is conceived of as a bunch of choice lines picked out from a longer conversation that are supposed to make the (female) audience think: wow, what an asshole. And some of the lines are assholish things to say. But a lot of them aren't, they're just explicit.
I deeply resent and reject the idea that men aren't allowed to have explicit conversations with their friends, or it makes them disrespectful of women in general, and the women in their lives specifically. Some of that "what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom" mentality spills over to women, too. Some of my best conversations with friends have been about sex. Whether it's talking about some great sex, or talking about contraception, or bad sex, or sex problems, or telling funny stories. It's fun. Sex is a part of the human experience, and it's ridiculous to think that we share that with our partners and our partners alone.
The prohibition on adults talking about sex with people other than their partners is a huge contributor to the problem of sexual violence, domestic violence, emotional isolation within relationships, a cocoon of shame that surrounds sex and sexuality and our bodies, and sexual dissatisfaction. I have always told my partners that they are free to talk about their sex lives with anyone they trust. Frankly, if the thought of your boyfriend talking to his friends about having sex with you makes you feel unsafe, your boyfriend needs new friends, which means you need a new boyfriend.
After making this clear, I sometimes check back in to see whether they actually have. To a one, none. Because of this narrative, and men's emotional discomfort with one another, "good" men are unable to have conversations with other men about sex. Some do with their female friends. But with other men? Rarely. That's because of the idea that talking about sex in a way that is respectful doesn't exist. Men don't know how to do it. So they don't.
This puts huge pressure on women. I don't want to be the only person in the universe that my partner has frank conversations with about sex, but I think I probably am, and I think most women are.
So, "sex really"? Your PSA sucks. Your representation of men is wrong, your representation of women is wrong, and your encouragement of the narrative that men talking about having sex with women is disrespectful is actually harmful to the cause of safe sex that you claim to promote. Get a clue.
If you don't/can't watch the video, Feministing has a transcript at the post I linked above. The upshot is: men are assholes who don't respect you and say gross things when talking to their dude friends about sex, so practice safe sex. The video is a conversation between three guys who are making a variety of remarks about sex. Some are banal but explicit: "And I'm able to grab one titty as I'm doing it and I grab the other titty this way and I was very happy." Some are offensive and rape-y: "I know, if she's gonna wear a dress like that who's not gonna lift that shit up."
Jos at Feministing and Shelby at This is Misogyny have already covered the basic ground: this video is misogynist, offensive, and trafficks in tired and harmful stereotypes. But there's something I find more insidious about this video, and about the wider narrative of men talking about sex, that I want to address.
There's this notion that men discussing sex is disrespectful, period. If you've ever heard the phrase "kiss-and-tell," you know what I'm talking about. The principle is that boys and men aren't supposed to talk about their sex lives with their friends, because...I don't know? They aren't supposed to acknowledge that they have sex with their girlfriends/lovers/wives because then everyone will know that the woman is.. a slut? I really don't know what it is.
This video is choppy--not a narrative conversation--so it's clear that what the video is conceived of as a bunch of choice lines picked out from a longer conversation that are supposed to make the (female) audience think: wow, what an asshole. And some of the lines are assholish things to say. But a lot of them aren't, they're just explicit.
I deeply resent and reject the idea that men aren't allowed to have explicit conversations with their friends, or it makes them disrespectful of women in general, and the women in their lives specifically. Some of that "what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom" mentality spills over to women, too. Some of my best conversations with friends have been about sex. Whether it's talking about some great sex, or talking about contraception, or bad sex, or sex problems, or telling funny stories. It's fun. Sex is a part of the human experience, and it's ridiculous to think that we share that with our partners and our partners alone.
The prohibition on adults talking about sex with people other than their partners is a huge contributor to the problem of sexual violence, domestic violence, emotional isolation within relationships, a cocoon of shame that surrounds sex and sexuality and our bodies, and sexual dissatisfaction. I have always told my partners that they are free to talk about their sex lives with anyone they trust. Frankly, if the thought of your boyfriend talking to his friends about having sex with you makes you feel unsafe, your boyfriend needs new friends, which means you need a new boyfriend.
After making this clear, I sometimes check back in to see whether they actually have. To a one, none. Because of this narrative, and men's emotional discomfort with one another, "good" men are unable to have conversations with other men about sex. Some do with their female friends. But with other men? Rarely. That's because of the idea that talking about sex in a way that is respectful doesn't exist. Men don't know how to do it. So they don't.
This puts huge pressure on women. I don't want to be the only person in the universe that my partner has frank conversations with about sex, but I think I probably am, and I think most women are.
So, "sex really"? Your PSA sucks. Your representation of men is wrong, your representation of women is wrong, and your encouragement of the narrative that men talking about having sex with women is disrespectful is actually harmful to the cause of safe sex that you claim to promote. Get a clue.
Labels: m. leblanc
Posted at 12:34 PM
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