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Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Salad Police


posted by Silvana
I have a very poignant sociological observation for you all, so get ready:

The sight of a fat woman eating a salad makes people lose their minds, and wallow in self-hatred.

Scene 1: Couple of weeks ago, 9:00 am

[M. LeBlanc, in office kitchen, spooning yogurt into a bowl]
[Female Co-worker, age 40 (approx.) walks in]
Co-worker: Hey, girl. How are you?
M. LeBlanc: Hey! I'm tired. I'm okay.
Co-worker: What's that?
M. LeBlanc: Breakfast. [shakes box of granola onto bowl of yogurt]
Co-worker: Is that yogurt and granola?
M. LeBlanc: Uh huh.
Co-worker: What's wrong with you? Last week you're eating salad, now you're eating yogurt and granola?
M. LeBlanc: What's wrong with yogurt and granola? It tastes good.
Co-worker: Yeah, but it's all, healthy and shit.
M. LeBlanc: Well, this is full-fat yogurt, because that low-fat shit tastes like crap.
Co-worker: But last week you were eating salad twice!
M. LeBlanc: I was?
Co-worker: Uh huh.
M. LeBlanc: How do you know that?
Co-worker: Because you were eating at the staff meeting.
M. LeBlanc: But everyone is eating at the staff meeting.
Co-worker: Well, I don't know how you do it.
M. LeBlanc: Do what?
Co-worker: Nevermind. Enjoy your rabbit food.
[Exeunt]

Scene 2: Today

[M. LeBlanc stands in line for cashier at high-end [but low-taste] downtown cafeteria, holding a to-go salad. Line Lady stands behind her, holding a personal pizza.]
Line Lady: [Sighs loudly]. I should be getting that. [points to salad]
M. LeBlanc: What?
Line Lady: I should be getting that [points to salad] instead of this [brandishes pizza].
M. LeBlanc: Actually, the pizza is pretty good here.
Line Lady: Yeah, but I'm being bad.
M. LeBlanc: You're not being bad. It's food. It tastes good.
Line Lady: But I shouldn't think about what tastes good, I should go with what good for me.
M. Leblanc: Well, I think pizza is good for you.
Line Lady: [gazes off wistfully] I wish.
M. LeBlanc: Bye.
[Exeunt]

What the flying fuck, people? Can't a fat woman eat a motherfucking salad without incurring comments from all and sundry? You know, people know enough that they would never criticize you (not usually, anyway) for eating "bad" foods. Instead, they criticize themselves when you're eating "good" food.

So let me emphasize. I am not on a diet. I don't care whether you are on a diet, and personally, I don't think you should be (not that you do or should give a damn about my opinion). I am not eating salad because I am trying to be "good." I do not like salad because it it "good" for me. I like it because it tastes good. I like it because sometimes I have clearly not been eating enough vegetables and/or am dehydrated, and I get a deep, deep craving for a bowl of lettuce. Sometimes I don't have a craving for it, but it's just the thing that sounds the best to me out of the options I have available. Sometimes I eat fried chicken because it sounds the best to me out of the options I have available.

Even though the patriarchy has very strict criteria about age, race and appearance as to what qualifies you to be an Acceptable Woman™, The Salad Police is very welcoming into its ranks. Old women, young women, fat women, thin women, all are willing to stand up and make you feel uncomfortable if you commit the horrific offense of Eating Salad While Fat. Or Eating Salad While Thin, as a matter of fact (having never been thin, I can't speak from experience, but I'm pretty sure of this stuff).

You see, Eating Salad While Being A Woman means that you are doing so because you hate fat. Either you are fat and you don't want to be that way any more, or you aren't fat and you subsist on a diet of arugula and rice-cakes to keep it that way. And so the crime of Eating Salad While Being A Woman reminds any woman within salad-striking distance that because she is not, at this moment, eating salad, she has slipped in the ranks of Those Who Hate Fat and has to do penance by flogging herself with a personal pizza.

Being in the salad police is a bitch, man.

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