Prostitution: How does it affect you?!?

Ugh.

Unlike the Clinton-Lewinsky liaison — which may have introduced many children to the idea of a man having extramarital sexual relations — the Spitzer scandal involved prostitution. Racy pictures of the prostitute have surfaced in news media, heightening the chance children could be exposed to the images and ask questions.

Parents should be ready if children ask what a prostitute is, said Judy Kuriansky, a professor of clinical psychology at Columbia University Teachers College.

"If they ask," she said, "You say, 'Sadly there are some women who feel that when they have an intimate experience with someone they need to get paid for it. This is something that is not healthy and I don't accept it or condone it.'" (h/t Pandagon.)

NO. YOU. DO. NOT.

First, I do not think that it is appropriate to tell children that you "don't accept or condone" people's feelings. Hello? The primary rule of parenting young children is teaching them that there is No Such Thing as unacceptable feelings. There are unacceptable actions, and there are people, yes, who are very very screwed up and have desires or feelings about wanting to hurt other people. That is the sort of thing that is "very sad," and those people should get help.

Second, we do not lie to children. The cause of prostitution is not "women who feel they need to get paid" for sex. The causes of prostitution are poverty, addiction, trafficking, abuse, and (arguably) teh Patriarchy.

Third, jesus, social awareness much? You want to teach your kids that you disapprove of women who prostitute themselves without implicating, oh, say, the men who hire prostitutes? Ostensibly the entire reason this question is coming up (according to the article, at least), is that your kids have seen a news story about the Spitzer scandal. Which is scandalous because of what *he* did, not what she did. Let's stay focused here, people.

So. Here is the official Bitch PhD Good Mama answer to the question, "omg, what do I tell my children about prostitution?!?" (One of these days I am going to write a book about how to explain grownup things to kids, I swear.)

As in answering all children's questions, the basic rules are simple:

Tell the truth.
Tell it in a way that models empathy to others.

When I explained to Pseudonymous Kid what prostitution is, which happened several years ago for I no longer remember what reason, I told him "well, there are a lot of people in the world who are very very poor. And when people are really poor, they'll pretty much do whatever they have to to feed themselves. Some women will have sex for money, and that's called "prostitution." A lot of women who end up working as prostitutes are doing it to make money to feed their children, or their families, as well as themselves. It's a really dangerous and terrible job, and it's really sad to have to do it, but mamas will do whatever they need to do to feed their kids."

Is this a complete answer? No. And the bright or curious child may well ask follow-up questions. Is prostitution only something women do? No, sometimes men do it too, but it's mostly women--"why?"--at which case you can get into the "it's the patriarchy, stupid" explanations if you want to, Why are some people that poor? Here is where you can mention addiction, or global poverty, or homelessness, or inner city/rural/reservation joblessness. Shouldn't people just *give* those poor women (or men) money instead of making them have sex with them? Yes, probably, but a lot of people don't think about that, or are kind of mean, or are themselves so very lonely that the only way they can get another person to have sex with them is by paying for it. Why is sex so important? Well, it's something you'll understand better when you're older, but basically it's a way for grownups to be together and feel good, and people sort of need it the same way children need hugs. Etc.

Now, you can adjust the answers to these questions according to your kid's attention span (first) and your own ideological preferences (second). E.g., you might believe that the "some people are very lonely" explanation for why men hire prostitutes is a poor one. However. I think it's really important, when explaining things to kids, to be truthful and empathetic, even to people and ideas you disagree with, so I really do try, when answering PK's questions about Social Issues, to offer him as many possible reasons as I can think of, *regardless* of whether or not I, personally, think those reasons are adequate.

It is, of course, okay to say "I don't think that's a very good reason, but probably some people do X for that reason, yes." You do want kids to learn, after all, that sometimes people have bad reasons for doing things, and that you can disapprove of someone's motives without necessarily thinking that person is a Bad Person.

And finally, I, personally, think it is kind of important, whenever possible, to bring the "kid angle" into these explanations--like the idea about mamas prostituting themselves to feed their children, etc. In *my* opinion and experience with PK, this sort of thing helps sort of "balance" explanations which often make him feel quite sad with implicit reassurances that mamas always take care of their children. Which I know is also not true. And so does he; we have had explanations of abuse, addiction, mental illness, etc., and he in fact has friends at school who were adopted because of pretty awful situations in their original families. But it is *generally* true that mamas do the best they can--even if their "best" is often pretty crappy--and certainly it is true that *his* mama will always take care of him, come hell or high water.

Because he is one lucky kid.