I consume, but then analyze!
posted by M. LeBlanc
I take time out of my busy schedule of doing laundry, packing, and frantically looking around for my headphone splitter so me and my dude can watch episodes of the second season of The Wire on the plane to Paris, to blog for you. About more frivolous shit!
Yesterday, I went shopping for a new suit. You see, I was conducting my first hearing in court today (with witnesses and everything!), and the bonafide suit I have is too small, and I am tired of faking it with separates. I was nervous, and excited, and I wanted to look good, damnit. So I hied myself down to Nordstrom, where I tend to never ever shop except for when I want to purchase a suit, because so far they haven't failed me. And again, I was not disappointed. I can't find the exact item for the life of me on their website, but this is the same brand and is very, very close: pretty! Except I got it in navy. Like, so dark you'll think it's black navy. It's my first navy suit, in fact my first solid-color suit of any kind, and I am quite pleased with it.
But that's just bragging. I really came here to talk to you about what I did after I purchased the suit, which is that I swung into Sephora. Hooboy that place is weird. I usually buy whatever kinda beauty/hygiene/grooming products I need at places like the grocery store, or Walgreens. I am not used to people talking to me while I am thinking about these things, not or shit costing a whole hell of a lot.
I actually went in there to see if they had any empty little plastic bottles that I could use for travel purposes. They did not, so I strolled around. Three different people tried to assist me. Are you sure you don't need help? Yes, lady, I'm sure. I know I look confused, but that's because your fucking store is insane. So, I'm looking at face products. I'm thinking, you know? Maybe since I am grown up and like, a Professional Adult now, maybe I should use some shit on my face that I don't buy for $3.64 from the Jewel on my lunch break. You know? Hey, Clinique! People were really into that shit for a while, weren't they. The three-step thingy? Oh, it's on sale! Hmm.
So I look. I look at this product:
Looks good! Face wash, toner, moisturizer. I like all those things. So I go to pick it out and my two options are "Very Dry to Dry" and "Combination Oily to Oily." The fuck? That can't be right. I look again. Nope, that's what there is. I call the extremely eager saleslady over.
"Hi. So, I want to buy this product. It seems that there are options "Very Dry to Dry" and "Combination Oily to Oily". Is that right? I don't think any of those apply to me. Is there a "normal skin" option?"
"[looks at me, puzzled] No, there is no normal."
"There's no normal."
"No."
"So what should I get?"
"Is your skin more dry, or oily?"
"It's neither! It's just, you know, normal."
"Do you get dry patches or oily patches?"
"No. I don't think so."
She looks at my face. I think she might want to diagnose me with oily or dry skin, but she can see that I am not going to react kindly to being told there is a problem with my face.
"Well, I'd just get the milder one, then. Dry to Very Dry."
"Ok."
I stand there, staring at the box, thinking about blogging, feminism, and the patriarchy. "I am so going to blog this," I think to myself. I mean Jesus Christ, talk about problematizing women's bodies. WHAT ARE YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM AREAS, SLUT?! There is no normal. There are only problems to be fixed, and those problems are fixed by buying shit. Expensive shit, that runs out quicklike.
So I take my Clinique box of Very Dry to Dry up to the register. I'm confused. Is there a line? There are beautiful perky women all around me analyzing shit. I step up to the cashier and he takes my product.
"Are you a Beauty Insider?"
I pause. I pause for a long time. Whatever he's asking, I'm quite sure that the answer is No. I say so.
As you might imagine, "Beauty Insider" is Sephora's "rewards" program. You spend money, you get free shit. Well, hey, I'm down with that. And I get a free gift just for signing up! Do I want the liner, brow gel, or face mask? Wait, what's the second one? "Brow gel." "Brow gel? What is that?" "You know, to keep your brows in place."
I stop myself from saying "I don't know about you, buy my eyebrows stay above my eyes just fine thanks." I choose the face mask. I fill out the form, which ask me what my skin problem is. Dry, Acne, Oily, Blackheads, and Other Shit I Can't Remember. There is an "other" box. There is no "none" box. I check nothing. What's my hair problem? Frizzy, Oily, Dry, No volume, Split Ends, and Other Shit. There is an "other" box. There is no "none" box. I check nothing. Again, I have no hair "problem." Yes, my hair is frizzy sometimes. Hell, sometimes it looks like shit. But doesn't that happen to everyone? Is that a "problem"? Or is it just, you know, having hair and living in a world where the weather isn't the same every goddamn day?
And guess what! Now that I'm a beauty insider, they are going to send me emails, with tips on "how to take care of myself better." I like the cheerful effeminate salesboy, but this is really too much. Really, I take care of myself just fine. I try to eat foods that nourish my body, I get out for some exercise every now and then, I bathe daily, I sleep at least eight or nine hours a night. I'm taken care of, motherfuckers!
But maybe when all this Beauty Insider knowledge comes flowing down to me from the beauty professionals on high I'll see the error of my ways. If I learn anything, I'll let y'all know.
As long as we're on the subject of beauty products, I am sad to report that the bottle of straightening "balm" I purchased approximately three years and six months ago has finally run out. This is it:
When I was packing, I thought, do I really want to take this whole bottle when it's about to run out, there not much left, and it tends to leak all over the goddamned place? Well, I though, I'll put what's left in a smaller container.
So if I don't post within the next forty-eight hours, let everyone know that I've been detained for questioning on suspicion of attempting to smuggle semen into France.
I hope the little guys make it.
Yesterday, I went shopping for a new suit. You see, I was conducting my first hearing in court today (with witnesses and everything!), and the bonafide suit I have is too small, and I am tired of faking it with separates. I was nervous, and excited, and I wanted to look good, damnit. So I hied myself down to Nordstrom, where I tend to never ever shop except for when I want to purchase a suit, because so far they haven't failed me. And again, I was not disappointed. I can't find the exact item for the life of me on their website, but this is the same brand and is very, very close: pretty! Except I got it in navy. Like, so dark you'll think it's black navy. It's my first navy suit, in fact my first solid-color suit of any kind, and I am quite pleased with it.
But that's just bragging. I really came here to talk to you about what I did after I purchased the suit, which is that I swung into Sephora. Hooboy that place is weird. I usually buy whatever kinda beauty/hygiene/grooming products I need at places like the grocery store, or Walgreens. I am not used to people talking to me while I am thinking about these things, not or shit costing a whole hell of a lot.
I actually went in there to see if they had any empty little plastic bottles that I could use for travel purposes. They did not, so I strolled around. Three different people tried to assist me. Are you sure you don't need help? Yes, lady, I'm sure. I know I look confused, but that's because your fucking store is insane. So, I'm looking at face products. I'm thinking, you know? Maybe since I am grown up and like, a Professional Adult now, maybe I should use some shit on my face that I don't buy for $3.64 from the Jewel on my lunch break. You know? Hey, Clinique! People were really into that shit for a while, weren't they. The three-step thingy? Oh, it's on sale! Hmm.
So I look. I look at this product:
Looks good! Face wash, toner, moisturizer. I like all those things. So I go to pick it out and my two options are "Very Dry to Dry" and "Combination Oily to Oily." The fuck? That can't be right. I look again. Nope, that's what there is. I call the extremely eager saleslady over.
"Hi. So, I want to buy this product. It seems that there are options "Very Dry to Dry" and "Combination Oily to Oily". Is that right? I don't think any of those apply to me. Is there a "normal skin" option?"
"[looks at me, puzzled] No, there is no normal."
"There's no normal."
"No."
"So what should I get?"
"Is your skin more dry, or oily?"
"It's neither! It's just, you know, normal."
"Do you get dry patches or oily patches?"
"No. I don't think so."
She looks at my face. I think she might want to diagnose me with oily or dry skin, but she can see that I am not going to react kindly to being told there is a problem with my face.
"Well, I'd just get the milder one, then. Dry to Very Dry."
"Ok."
I stand there, staring at the box, thinking about blogging, feminism, and the patriarchy. "I am so going to blog this," I think to myself. I mean Jesus Christ, talk about problematizing women's bodies. WHAT ARE YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM AREAS, SLUT?! There is no normal. There are only problems to be fixed, and those problems are fixed by buying shit. Expensive shit, that runs out quicklike.
So I take my Clinique box of Very Dry to Dry up to the register. I'm confused. Is there a line? There are beautiful perky women all around me analyzing shit. I step up to the cashier and he takes my product.
"Are you a Beauty Insider?"
I pause. I pause for a long time. Whatever he's asking, I'm quite sure that the answer is No. I say so.
As you might imagine, "Beauty Insider" is Sephora's "rewards" program. You spend money, you get free shit. Well, hey, I'm down with that. And I get a free gift just for signing up! Do I want the liner, brow gel, or face mask? Wait, what's the second one? "Brow gel." "Brow gel? What is that?" "You know, to keep your brows in place."
I stop myself from saying "I don't know about you, buy my eyebrows stay above my eyes just fine thanks." I choose the face mask. I fill out the form, which ask me what my skin problem is. Dry, Acne, Oily, Blackheads, and Other Shit I Can't Remember. There is an "other" box. There is no "none" box. I check nothing. What's my hair problem? Frizzy, Oily, Dry, No volume, Split Ends, and Other Shit. There is an "other" box. There is no "none" box. I check nothing. Again, I have no hair "problem." Yes, my hair is frizzy sometimes. Hell, sometimes it looks like shit. But doesn't that happen to everyone? Is that a "problem"? Or is it just, you know, having hair and living in a world where the weather isn't the same every goddamn day?
And guess what! Now that I'm a beauty insider, they are going to send me emails, with tips on "how to take care of myself better." I like the cheerful effeminate salesboy, but this is really too much. Really, I take care of myself just fine. I try to eat foods that nourish my body, I get out for some exercise every now and then, I bathe daily, I sleep at least eight or nine hours a night. I'm taken care of, motherfuckers!
But maybe when all this Beauty Insider knowledge comes flowing down to me from the beauty professionals on high I'll see the error of my ways. If I learn anything, I'll let y'all know.
As long as we're on the subject of beauty products, I am sad to report that the bottle of straightening "balm" I purchased approximately three years and six months ago has finally run out. This is it:
When I was packing, I thought, do I really want to take this whole bottle when it's about to run out, there not much left, and it tends to leak all over the goddamned place? Well, I though, I'll put what's left in a smaller container.
So if I don't post within the next forty-eight hours, let everyone know that I've been detained for questioning on suspicion of attempting to smuggle semen into France.
I hope the little guys make it.
Posted at 11:10 PM
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