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Wednesday, May 09, 2007

No one else is gonna do it


posted by bitchphd
How long do you think it takes to bike 4 1/2 miles? Come up with your answer and then highlight the white space immediately below to find out the truth.

Four and a half hours.

I shit you not. If you don't have kids, you cannot possibly have any earthly idea how damn difficult it is to ride with a child to the doctor's and back, in traffic, when the child is a little nervous on a bike, not AT ALL happy about going to see the doctor in order to have his penis examined, and you have only 45 minutes to get there.

But let me try to give you a little idea.

Me, trying to be heard over traffic: PSEUDONYMOUS KID, WE REALLY NEED TO GO A LITTLE FASTER.
Pseudonymous Kid: MAMA! I'M SLOWING DOWN SO YOU CAN RIDE NEXT TO ME!
Me: THEN MOVE OVER SO I DON'T RUN INTO YOU!
Pseudonymous Kid: I CAN'T MOVE OVER, I'M AFRAID THE BIKE WILL TIP! (Because the bike lane slopes down near the curb, obviously)
Me: PK, I HAVE TO RIDE BEHIND YOU SO I'M BETWEEN YOU AND THE CARS.
Pseudonymous Kid: BUT I WANT TO TALK TO YOU!
Me: IT'S OKAY, I'M RIGHT HERE.
Pseudonymous Kid: I CAN'T SEE YOU! (Drifts closer to the white line as he tries to look over his shoulder.)
Me: PK, YOU HAVE TO RIDE CLOSER TO THE CURB!
Pseudonymous Kid: MAMA, DON'T YELL AT ME!
Me: I WANT YOU TO BE ABLE TO HEAR ME!
Pseudonymous Kid: YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL! I'M ALREADY STRESSED OUT! (Begins sobbing.)
Me: OKAY, STOP FOR A MINUTE.

Pseudonymous Kid pulls over and stops. I stop behind him. I lay my bike down on the curb, go over, kneel down, give him a hug.

Me: Sweetie, what's wrong?
Pseudonymous Kid: I don't want to go to the doctor!
Me: Honey, it'll be okay. Really. I'll be there.
Pseudonymous Kid: There's nothing wrong with my penis! I hate doctors!
Me: Buddy, the regular doctor just wants the penis doctor to have a look at your foreskin to make sure it isn't too tight. That's all. It'll be fine. We'll go get ice cream afterwards. (This last bit makes me feel like a child molestor.)
Pseudonymous Kid: I hate this!
Me: Aww, sweetie, I know. Look, I'm sorry, but we really have to get going, we're going to be late. Do you want some water?
Pseudonymous Kid: No. Give me the bottle.
Me: Here you go.

Pseudonymous Kid drinks some water, hands me back the bottle.

Me: Ready?
Pseudonymous Kid: Don't rush me! (Starts to pedal. I follow.)
Me: PK, CAN YOU GO A LITTLE FASTER? IT'S REALLY HARD FOR ME TO RIDE THIS SLOWLY WITHOUT FALLING OVER.
Pseudonymous Kid: DON'T RUSH ME!
Me: I'M NOT TRYING TO RUSH YOU, I JUST DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN RUNNING INTO YOU OR RUNNING INTO A CAR.
Pseudonymous Kid: (Pedalling a little faster) HOW'S THIS?
Me: GREAT! YOU'RE DOING GREAT!


Someday, maybe he'll thank me for helping him learn to ride a bike. I have to admit that I got a lot of "I love you, Mama"s and "you're my favorite mama"s yesterday.

But somehow, it just isn't enough. Someone needs to be giving out medals, yo.

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